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laila
sevendials
03 November 2006 @ 05:17 pm
Starting From Zero  
I can't go back.

I've been thinking about this a lot - about nursing. And all I can feel is regret, and anger, and a hell of a lot of sadness. I just don't think I can do it any more; I can't get back on the horse because the horse has bolted. I can't put myself back in the situation I was a few months back and expect not to go stark, staring mad. I simply can't cope with that kind of environment.

Just now, I reread some of the posts I made during my last placement. Even from here i can remember how utterly horrible it felt, and how badly I wanted to just get out of there. Maybe it was just the ward and it's different elsewhere, but I honestly don't think I want to know if that's right or wrong. I tried. I fucked up. I can't keep clinging to something that feels, quite honestly, as if it's going nowhere and is going to wreck my health and my mind, too.

If this makes me a quitter, I'm going to have to be a quitter. Better a sane quitter with clean clothes and a roof over her head than a poverty-stricken, stressed-out, depressive stickler.

More to the point, I feel as if I positively need to start working now, or at least put myself in a position where I could do. Not in six months' time but as soon as possible. I just want to be paying my own way and my parents to get off my back. Maybe they won't be happy I quit college, but at least I won't be leaning on them any more.

Simply put: I WANT A JOB.

I do not want to be a student any longer. I'm too old for this shit.

Recently, I looked at myself in the mirror and decided I actually look rather like a librarian. Maybe it's the glasses.

The positive thing is that I can get into library work on the strength of the qualifications I have: I don't have to be a grad to do it. My not being a grad is going to keep me out of a lot of jobs that aren't totally menial. I don't want to do a totally menial job, not now I'm thinking in terms of what do I want to do with my life and not just now, how can I get some money?

It seems to be one of the few jobs out there that actually likes the idea of A-levels, as opposed to wanting some weird combination of GCSEs and GNVQs I don't actually have, or demanding a degree I also don't have. At least it's something I could see myself being able to settle to. At least it involves books and things and I like books and things, and I'm not that bad with people.

I could go work in a store too, I guess. I have retail experience, if a year and a half riding a checkout in Tescos Supermarket counts (and I'm not going to do THAT again, no sir).

My landlady just gave me the fright of my life when I told her I was going to start looking for jobs and would have to start claiming jobseeker's allowance. Apparently she charges me less rent since I'm a student, but if I start working she has to pay an extra £260 a year for the council tax - which she gets a rebate on at present since I'm still officially 'studying', though I've not darkened the door of my college in months. So, I'm going to have to pay more in the way of rent.

Still, it could be worse.

Jesus Christ, I thought she was going to evict me.
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[identity profile] kittieonmyfoot.livejournal.com on November 4th, 2006 05:59 am (UTC)
Hi, I just wanted to tell you that I really feel for you and what you're going through right now. I've bounced back and forth between majors and schools more times than I'd like to admit, and though it was quite an expericnce, I lost a sense of home and self in the middle of it all. My goal is to graduate, and whatever happens after that just...well happens.

Maybe a librarian would be nice. At least around here, you don't need graduate record scores to qualify for graduate school in library science. Plus, everyone knows that librarians know everything.

I read your last post about sitting on the fence and my heart really went out to you, hoping that you found the lesser of two evils in your life and got over this hurdle. I wish the best of luck to you, I truly do.

I know that I only know you through livejournal and everything, but I really hope things look up for you. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life or where it's taking me, and most of the time I don't want to think about it.

but I wish you the best regardless. I'm glad you came to a conclusion regardless *hugs*.
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[personal profile] ivorysilk on November 5th, 2006 03:31 am (UTC)
Like the person above, I only know you through your LJ, but have been thinking a bit about your posts, and my only thoughts are that (a) you are really very young, still--there are lots and lots of students your age, and (b) do what makes sense to you now. There are very, very few decisions that are irrevokable, particularly around jobstuff--I know people that went to medical school and such in their mid-thirties, after marriage and kids, and people that having been through the stress and expense and time of professional schools doing whatever, dropped out and decided to do something totally different (for example, I know someone who got their doctorate in physics, and after years at a top-notch university, decided to leave and become a school teacher). You have flexibility, always, within reason. And some of the best things come when you do something you didn't plan to do.

The only other thing I wanted to say was that if nursing was something you liked at times, try to think of what it was you liked about it--and think of something related you might do that uses that. If it was helping people, maybe social work? If it was the clinical aspect, maybe there's related research type jobs, or lab tech type stuff? I don't know. But if you wanted to be a nurse badly, there was probably something that attracted you, and while it may have just been the ward, if you've decided you can't go back--you may be able to go to something similar but better.
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[identity profile] staubundsterne.livejournal.com on November 5th, 2006 11:34 am (UTC)
Hiya, we've only known each other via LJ (and only very briefly), so if I know something that hurts or offends you - which is certainly not the intention - feel free to ignore/delete/deep fry this comment.

There's nothing wrong about quitting, or about revoking a decision. It may look irrational, but once this decision feels like hours of subjective hell it's healthier for all people involved to step away. Not only might you burn yourself out completely, you might also come to hate whatever made you get into nursing in the first place. I think you made a brave decision, you gave it a lot of thought and you are certainly not taking "the easy way out" or some other grade A bullshit.

Who knows, maybe you'll get back into this field once you've gained some distance - maybe not as a nurse. Maybe you'll discover an occupation in a totally different sector.

Again, I wish you all the best.
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[identity profile] vermachtnis.livejournal.com on November 5th, 2006 02:00 pm (UTC)
For all that you feel old, you're not. And I know that probably sounds trite from someone a few years younger, but it's true. Do what feels right in your heart now- if you decide later that you want a different path, well then, you hack your way through the forest and find yourself a new one. Education has no age limit. So if finding a job now is what your heart and mind dictate, do it. If you aren't happy with what you're doing, change it. You may feel old now, and that it's too late- but you've still got what, seventy, eighty years of your life left? Plenty of time to make a few decisions.

That said, I still think you would have made a damn good nurse. But I'm happy you've made a decision- just having a new direction, an objective to achieve instead of just sitting around, usually does me wonders for my mental state, and I hope it will do the same for you.

...Look at me. I should write cheesey, horribly cliche motivational speeches.
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[identity profile] kay-cricketed.livejournal.com on November 27th, 2006 01:07 pm (UTC)
*hugs tightly* You know... don't take this the wrong way, but I'm a bit glad you aren't nursing anymore. You were always so stressed about it that sometimes I'd read about a hard experience that day, or a post on troubles you were having, and it'd hurt to read it you just sounded so tired. It wore you down to the bones.

So I can see where you'd regret it, but I'm honestly happy you can relax now on a lot of things. As long as you're happy-- and I don't give a shit how cliche that sounds, thanks very much, because Halmark was my middle name until I changed it to Anarchy-- then I think it's fine, whatever you end up doing. Even putting babies' heads on spikes.

Because, erm, you know. Babies on spikes. Tastes like chicken! (Must stop listening to Eddie Izzard.)

Good luck on finding a job! *winces* Just avoid the food industry. Six years in it and I have days where I'm this close to mass murder.
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