30 August 2005 @ 10:34 pm
How Can I Shift The Hospital Smell?  
The most regrettable thing about nursing is that I walk home wreathed in Eau de Middlesex Hospital. I've well and truly capitulated to total girliness by starting wearing perfume in reaction to the hospital smell (making my not-exactly well hidden inner tomboy scream in horrified dismay in the process), but it doesn't seem to help shift the lingering hospital smell much, never mind that I always change my clothes before I head home... Healthcare lingers and God knows that, as I don't like to go home looking like a nurse, I don't much enjoy going home smelling like one either.

Yup, I'm well and truly back on placement again.

Part of me's pissed about it. The other part of me's almost glad that I've got something to do with my time since God knows the holidays weren't exactly doing me any favors. All I did was sink further and further into a pit of torpidity, feeling my inspiration wither on the vine. Maybe being back at work will allow me to write again. I hope it will, because feeling uninspired eats my head. And maybe I'm overtired, but I think that last line would sound a lot funnier if said in an Invader Zim-like voice. I am overtired. Damned first day of placement.

And speaking of writing, the sinful and twisted plot bunnie for this evil SchuKen fic has been sinking its fangs into my leg for the last few days. Oh, God, that means I've got to write it or I'll never get five minutes' peace from this horrible damned idea of mine. Ugh. Not good I assure you.

... Like I needed to write more SchuKen non-con (spoiler? Not exactly. I'd like people to know where my ideas for this thing are going). And a one-shot at that. I'm seriously not proud of this idea, I think it's pretty nasty and I really don't approve of it much - certainly I don't want to bloody well write it - but I've had it and I've almost got to write it because otherwise I won't be able to write about anything I actually, um, like. Though God knows where I'll post it. Like I said before, I couldn't post this to ff.net without running the risk of getting my account pulled. I hate it when fics I don't really want to write pop into my head almost fully-formed and my brain just refuses to leave them alone. 'A step forward into night' did this to me too and I didn't want to write that either.

But this thing's much nastier than that fic was. Much.

Anyway.

I am also going to make more stupid icons sometime soon. I definitely want to try and make one with Youji and Ken in (which will be no mean feat in a 100x100 icon) on the general theme of OTPs. And I still need to make my smoking!Youji icon, which I may do tomorrow. If I can't manage to get this fic out of my head and out of the way, that is. Oh, and I still need to email [livejournal.com profile] vermachtnis, don't I? God damn, I've been so slack.

(It's all [livejournal.com profile] marysues' fault, I swear. I would have done so much more over the last few days if I hadn't been having such fun posting Sue reports to this comm. Um, perhaps.)

In other news my parents have found The Kitties to fill the empty void left by the death of our poor cat. I haven't seen them yet - obviously not because I'm in London and the kitties are at home with my family in Kent - but they now have two little cats, both of which are black. They're half-Burmese, quarter-Siamese, and quarter Domestic Mog which makes them rather curious little propositions, I'm sure. According to my mother they're both currently hiding behind the sofa, scared out of their wits.

Makes me wish I was back in Kent. Just for a little while, so I could see the kitties. My parents say they're going to send photos, though. Damn placement... photos are good, but what I really want is to see them both properly! I'm going to have to go down some weekend after college starts just so I can say a decent Hello to the pair of them. I can't wait until Christmas for my first glimpse at the new kitties, damn it!

But first I want to answer comments. And eat food. And go to sleep. Food and sleep are my friends.
 
 
Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: akikaze no kyoushikyoku - raphael
 
 
( Post a new comment )
[identity profile] sevendials.livejournal.com on August 30th, 2005 10:24 pm (UTC)
Sorry, I've misled you simply by being a dumbass again. ; ; What I meant when I said I might be better company tomorrow was that I hoped I could stop feeling pouty then, but I should definitely have made it clear that I couldn't exactly have come online for any real length of time as I had to be up at half past five the following morning to go to my placement and I couldn't sleep. Again. I apologize if I didn't make that clearer, but I couldn't have been round yesterday and should never have implied, suggested or stated that I would be. Sorry.

I didn't mean to mislead you, but I didn't email because I wasn't aware what I'd said could be taken as meaning 'I'll be round' when there was no way on earth I could have managed that.

And that's not the implication. You don't have to compete and I don't care if you share my insane fangirlishness or not. The reason I didn't email is because I wasn't really aware that what I'd said could have been taken that way in the first place. i should probably have made it clearer that the source of my depression was my placement starting the day after tomorrow and that I wasn't intending on being around thanks to an (abortive) attempt to get a decent night's sleep which was thwarted by my inability to actually get to sleep. This isn't about competition, though. It never was. I am not that shallow.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
[identity profile] angstchan.livejournal.com on August 30th, 2005 11:42 pm (UTC)
I didn't think I was misreading it. It seemed pretty clear to me, you know? >< It really did look like "I'd be crabby tonight, but I'll be better when I'm around tomorrow."

I said the compete thing only half serious, but at the same time, it's half serious. I know you're not that shallow, believe me. I know I've said it before though, it's a little disheartening to misunderstand what you say, think you'll be around, and then when you are around, there's not even a mention of anything otherwise. I know this is mostly for fanficcing, but those little messages here and there to other people make it seem like everything's all about your fangirlishness. Sometimes I can't help but feel that I can't connect with you on the same level, that I can't really connect with you at all anymore. I know it's partially my fault, I know I should be a little more talkative and less ranty sometimes. I also know you're busy with placements and school. I'm busy with the new job, too.

I guess I don't like feeling like our long-standing friendship gets strained. That whole hiatus kind of threw us off, and it just seems like it's been hard to get back on the rails again. I'm naturally an insecure person, so I take offense a little too easily. I've been trying to get better at it, but sometimes I lose that.

Sorry if I made you feel bad. I just kind of felt snubbed, though that wasn't your intention at all. I figured there was some "Hey! Let's snub mellie" thing going on because it's been happening a lot lately. :(
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
[identity profile] sevendials.livejournal.com on September 2nd, 2005 10:28 pm (UTC)
I know. I made a mistake in writing that entry and I should have thought more carefully about how I phrased it. I don't like the thought that I've innocently mislead you.

I don't think that's the way it is. I communicate with other people and leave messages to them in this journal because, with a single exception, Live Journal is the only way we have to communicate (I don't think fanfiction.net reviews count as 'interaction'). I don't mean to come across as exclusively fangirlish, though I admit once again that I probably do, but all the same that's this thing's purpose; it's a kind of outlet. I pour almost all my fangirlishness into this one receptacle so that when I'm elsewhere, online or off, I can attempt to be someone different, sane and largely non-obsessive. I don't think that implies a lack of connection on my part to you or to anyone else I communicate with, just one that's carried out on a different level to the connection I have with you. That isn't to devalue what we have. It's a completely different kind of relationship. It honestly doesn't bother me that you don't share my crazy obsessions. In a way, I'm actually glad you don't.

And I value your friendship. I really do, which is why I get so worried and frantic when I upset you. I don't want to do anything of the sort, but I'm a worrier too, always have been. I don't like being thought of as tactless or insensitive though I know that I can be both those things, sometimes to a quite ludicrous degree - I guess it's not easy for one of nature's cynical bitches to work as a nurse. And I know the hiatus shouldn't have happened and believe me I regret that it ever did but the longer it drew on, the harder it became to think about getting back in contact no matter how much I felt I wanted and needed to. I'm sorry.

I don't mean to snub you. I wanted to come online and talk, and have done for a while, but starting placements again threw me off-course. I can't sit up late the nights before I go into work, and I'm real bad at noticing the time passing when I'm talking with you... I tire easily the nights I'm working, and the evenings before I go back I have to be sure to get a decent rest or risk being useless the next day.

I'm online right now, if you are...
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
[identity profile] angstchan.livejournal.com on September 3rd, 2005 03:53 am (UTC)
I was asleep, actually. I almost got in a car accident today cause some jackass stopped short to turn left on a 40 mph road. I had to slam on my breaks and my tires squealed. Then he flipped me off, so I just kinda came home, laid down, and slept til about 9. I was really shaken. I mean, who stops as they're passing a driveway to turn into it?

It's not so much that I'm upset, really. I know you're a worrier. I think part of the reason why I got so grr is because, while you do your fangirlish thing on here, there are times when we talk when all I can get out of you is fangirlishness. Sometimes it's about Ken in general, sometimes it's about your fics. It's not like that all the time, but it just seems like lately the majority of the few conversations we've had have been a lot of Ken stuff from your end. I don't mind, usually, but sometimes it gets a little overwhelming, you know? And I know sometimes I go off on rants, too, so feel free to tell me to shut up (I bitch about uke way too much, and I need to stop that.)

I know you can't sit up late. I understand. It was a bad miscommunication, and when I saw the next entry, with no mention of not being around, I kind of took it as "Oh, I'm not good enough, I guess, because I don't like WK." I don't like feeling like that. I know you don't do it on purpose, but with the miscommunication, it was just bad timing.

I've also been feeling very insecure, and our communication has been hit or miss since you've come back. I guess I just get paranoid because of that, you know? It's like I'm worried that you'll just poof again and I won't hear from you for another year and a half. We're both busy now. I get that. I just remember how even when we were busy before, we'd still email each other, and still have some sort of connection there. Maybe I'm jealous, I don't know. I know you do most of your work on your own comp, and don't have internet there, but maybe I misunderstand sometimes. You talk about posting to comms, rps, and reading fics, and I know you have to come online to do that, but you don't pop on to say hi. My insecurity is sucking hardcore, but I don't know how to stop it.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
[identity profile] angstchan.livejournal.com on September 3rd, 2005 03:56 am (UTC)
And for some reason, I've been spelling brakes wrong all day. -.-;
(Reply) (Parent) (Link)