Ever felt the burning desire to roleplay in a fictional universe that made absolutely no sense whatsoever?

You should join The Thirtyeight Planets! A universe which appears to have been created by a fourteen year old ADHD patient who'd been brought up on Star Wars and The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy and thought, during one too many boring pre-cal classes, 'hey, I could do that!', ignoring the fact that George Lucas can world-build and Douglas Adams was genuinely funny rather than painfully silly, and both possess some kind of grasp of how this whole 'space' thing, you know, actually works. For example, they're aware of how orbital systems work and that planets need suns.

... honestly, this is perhaps the most ridiculous Gaia roleplay I have ever seen, and about its only redeeming feature is that it at least appears to sporadically realize how very ridiculous it is. Most of the people who are in it seem to be doing it for fun, which is I guess something. The worst thing is that means The Thirtyeight Planets could very well be unseated from its throne of epic stupid by another even stupider story whose creator wants us to take it, and the characters therein, completely seriously. Terrifying, really.

I could try and summarize why it was I found this RP so ridiculous, but... well, the only way to understand this is to experience it. Please bear in mind that everything in the block quote is entirely as it was on Gaia. I have changed nothing, not even the misspellings, and my own snark is entirely outside that big ol' pink grey box there.

In the center of the universe, many planets collided at once and formed a ring around a planet that 10 red giants could fit inside.

Okay, I know we've only just gotten started, but I feel the need to point two small things out.

Firstly, any successful star system needs an actual star. If these thirtyeight so-called planets are orbiting another planet, not a star, then they are what are commonly referred to as 'moons' and are probably incapable of sustaining life for the fairly simple reason that there is no sun to stop their surfaces from becoming frozen, icy wastelands.

Secondly, I may suck at physics, but even I know that you can't have more than one planet in the same orbit before Bad Shit starts to happen.

But that isn't all there is to it, some of the planets are starting to break out in war, which isn't really that much of a problem, but if the war spreads too much, the planets could become unstable and the whole ring of planets could collapse and crash into Muff planet,

Now, I have no idea what this guy thinks a 'muff' is, but... well, okay, maybe this is just British slang but when I saw the word 'Muff Planet' I immediately burst out laughing and spent the next five minutes giggling like a schoolgirl. Why? Well, Urban Dictonary explains it in loving detail, but to put it simply and plainly, the word 'muff' - which I'm almost convinced the creator of this insane RP thinks he made up - is a fairly inoffensive slang word for 'vagina'. 'Muff planet', to me, doesn't so much make me think Mythical Planet of Epic Flange: to me it conjures up images of a planet full of charming young ladies getting their Sapphic groove on...

which would probably cause some weird explosion/implosion and destroy the universe or something, but that's unlikely since allot of the planets are actually peaceful. So far there are only random outbreaks of fighting, on Nolighklor, Dirigibala, Airaria, Plastic planet, Forteax, Painxon, Sarblat, Planet Zenbu, and Planet planet. It isn't just senseless fighting, though, the whole reason of the war is for the control of the pure muffs,

Inner Twelve-Year-Old: *sniggers*

which, are a myth to some, but others have found proof they exist,

Because they own a mythical and arcane book of scripture known as AN ANATOMY TEXT.

and so the battle is for not just the muffs, but for knowledge of their locations.

Obvious joke is obvious. I could say something here, but IT'S TOO DAMN EASY.

The list of planets
All of the planets are in order, the ones with numbers that is. And only planets with descriptions can be explored. The rest can only be referred to.

Muff planet
The largest planet in the universe with intense gravity and powerful creatures known as "Muffs". They are any creature with dragon wings, a dragon tail with fire at the end, razor-sharp claws and razor-sharp teeth. The planet is basically like Earth, but without all of the buildings. There are Pure Muffs,

... which, by the sounds of it, are most likely a bunch of blatant Charizard ripoffs. Geez, and I thought vagina dentata was nightmare fuel And why the Hell does having sharp teeth, dragon wings, and a dragon tail with fire at the end make these creatures so powerful? Wouldn't they be in danger of setting fire to everything around them and, in the cases of, say, a sheep or a Pomeranian 'muff', to themselves as well? Or is this like, special fire that only burns things some of the time? And wouldn't a sheep or a Pomeranian look utterly ridiculous wandering about the place with dragon wings and a flaming tail? Never mind a vagina, there's a passion-killer if ever I saw one okay I'm sorry I'm stopping now.

but only one person has ever seen one and lived, there are actually less than 10 currently, but a Pure Muff is practically a god.

1. Zicum
The planet is composed mostly of water, although there are some islands on it, which prevent it from being smashed by the gravity of the ring. The inhabitants are mermaid like creatures that live in borrows deep under the sea. They wouldn't need to live there, but there are giant shark-creatures (named Sharkos)

Wow, what a very imaginative name. A giant shark-like creature known as a Sharko? Geez. Whoever came up with that name had all the talent for nomenclature of Leonard Da Quirm. Shark With 50% Extra Free sounds better than Sharko, largely because 'Sharkos' sounds like breakfast cereal a brand of breakfast cereal. New Shark-Os! The snappy way to start your day! Now with marshmallow sharks!

that are extremely violent, and they are not reasonable beings.

2. Crytalston
The planet constantly is growing, although it isn't by much, the crystals cover the entire planet...in fact, the planet is a single crystal. Nothing can really inhabit it, since the whole planet has no water or food, although there is one...well, giant raccoon that owns the whole planet, his name is Bandito, and he is one of the richest beings in the universe.

I'm at a loss for words about this one. It's weird. I feel like there's something I should be saying here, some kind of really awesome joke I'm overlooking - honestly, a fantastically wealthy giant raccoon known as Bandito (who we must presume ate a lottery ticket or something: how the Hell does a giant raccoon amass fabulous wealth?) owns a planet made entirely of crystal, and somehow presumably manages to live there despite there being no food and no water?

Maybe all I can do is let the sheer absurdity of this speak for itself.

3. Flamzat
Flamzat is covered in volcanoes that are constantly erupting, which does make the planet hollow and every so often it collapses, which does shake most of the surrounding planets, but it also restarts the cycle of eruptions.

4. Rizz Roo planet
Rizz Roo planet is actually in close resemblance to Earth Millions of years ago, although it is still much more different.

So it's almost identical to prehistoric Earth, but also totally different at the same time? Well, that clears that up!

It's air is quite humid and the average temperature year round is 80 degrees F, but there are still oceans and around Flamzat there are lakes of lava, but what the planet is really famous for is are the quite intelligent life forms called Roizls. Roizls are raptor-like creatures wit zig-zag patterns all over their bodies. Roizls, despite how they might seem to someone from Earth, are actually very rational, but of course, they can be annoyed, which isn't really a good idea, because if someone were to harm one roizl, then all of the roizls in the area would go after whoever inflicted harm on the single roizl and make sure that whoever it was either lives their worst nightmare, which they can do with this strange venom they have, or they will break every bone in the being's body. The female roizls are much nicer than the males, also they are furry, and the males are covered in scales that are a bit tougher to break than steel, no one knows why the different genders are different like that, but no one really cares.

Clearly, this starless star system contains absolutely no life forms of a scientific bent. Scientists live to find things like this out - well, they do this side of lame-ass Gaia RPs where all they care about is being generic Evil Bastards who conduct unethical and probably totally unscientific, control-group-free 'experiments' on captive Mary Sues to make them Speshully Speshul, anyway.

I think a slightly fairer thing to say here would be 'I know it makes no sense for the two genders of this species I created to look and behave as if they belonged to totally different genuses, but I'm a Really Lazy Author and I can't be bothered to explain why this might be, so let's move on.'

( ... and there are thirty-four more of these to go. That's right, you shake. )

... well, at least one good thing came out of all this random stupidity. I found those Youtube videos of Sonic the Hedgehog Music, which I would never have found otherwise and would wholeheartedly recommend to any child of the nineties who ever owned a Genesis, and I am now going to listen to all of them over and over and over until my ears ache and my brain is begging for hard rock. Which, given that I own the Final Fantasy OSTs and think Tomokazu Seki is fantastic, will probably be 'never'.