So, there was this girl who started a thread in Gaia Online's Picture Post forum, showing off a really, dramatically not very good doodle she had done 'in like three minuets' while she was at work.

Needless to say it showed that she'd knocked the thing off in a matter of minutes (or, indeed, minuets) while she should have been doing something else; needless to say she got decidedly defensive when someone else pointed out that the drawing was really, dramatically not very good and probably not the kind of thing to post proudly on a forum and expect asspats for. So far, so usual.

Proof that yet another Gaia forum is inhabited mostly by idiots? Well, yes... but what caught my attention, however, was not the not very good doodle - it was the equally awkward-looking sepia-effect banner she had in her signature. The banner, for those of you who don't want to check, contained a picture of David Bowie as Jareth the Goblin King from the movie Labyrinth, with a girl who clearly wasn't Jennifer Connelly and was in fact nothing like Jennifer Connelly next to him. And, above that, the somewhat self-annihilating attempt at drawing readers in: 'Like the Labyrinth? You'll Love my fanfic.' Oho. A challenge.

Add that to her username - 'Sam_The_Goblin_Queen52' - and I just had to go and check it out. Mary Sue? Just a bit.


Story Or Series Title: Say The Right Words
Fandom: Labyrinth
Culprit Author's Name: samdoll123

So I'm showing off my DA. I have a Labyrinth fanfiction on my account and I'd like to show it off. I made a banner to go along with it. I'm hand wirting this, so who knows how long it will be. This slightly more based off the 'Return to the Labyrinth' Manga then the movie.

Full Name (plus titles if any): Sam Young, AKA Princess Samantha, Lady of Ervana
Full Species(es): Puella centraquestis selfinsertia
Hair Color (include adjectives): "Her slightly brown blonde hair was just a little past her shoulders, with a purple streak in her bangs." Just like the Suethor, in fact - at least until it magically starts growing. And growing: "Her hair went down to her butt now, the same length it was before she cut it all off, and it was back to the light brown, strawberry blonde color she had before she started dying her hair."
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Plain blue eyes examined her own face"
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Magical size-changing boobs. She starts out "average size 34b, but her frame was so thin her bust size looked bigger than it was", but by chapter eight "her modest B cup bust was not at least a C cup, maybe bigger".
Special Possessions (if any): In the Labyrinth-verse she has the usual wardrobe full of elaborate and lovingly-described froofy Sue gowns, and a tiara and locket Jareth gives her. Also a laptop, which magically gets a wireless signal IN A FREAKING FANTASY WORLD. Oh, and a dress shop. Oh, and she's having Jareth's baby. (A son, a son! Oh, how we rejoiced.) Outside it she has an Ipod, backpack with a Labyrinth keychain, and a notebook full of stories about another person in her fantasy world of romance and adventure, magic and wonder, family and friends, a character she describes as me, in a way. A smarter, stronger, prettier version of me. Sometimes she goes by a different name, but she’s the same person. She’s the person I wish I could be... basically the self-insert Labyrinth Sue is writing self-insert Sue fanfiction about being in Labyrinth. It really is as stupid and annoyingly twee as it sounds. Don't believe me? Check this out...

Mr. Leeks sighed, he was a nice teacher but he tried to be strict. He would rather be respected tna liked. “Who would like to her Miss Young’s works?”
“Yeah!” The whole class said.
“No.” Sam put her hood up, pulled the strings tight, and shrunk in her seat.
“In the throne room of the old stone castle sat the King, his goblin servents as his feet, ready to jump and serve his every need. ‘Bring her in.’ He said in a commanding voice. Goblins scurried about and brought in a young woman, the Kings fiancée. ‘My lord.’ Her tone was not a happy one, but she was something to look at. Long golden blonde curls framed her face, Sapphire blue eyes watched the King, and her well curved body was held tightly in a sapphire blue gown. ‘You wished to see me?’ ‘It’s always a pleasure to have you in my company, Princess Samantha.’” The class burst out laughing.
“She wants to be a princess!” One kid yelled through his fits of laughter.
Tears streamed down Sam’s face. Hood still up she grabbed her things and started running for the door. She pulled the notebook from Mr. Leeks hand and ran out, crying the whole way.

Annoying Origin: Sam describes herself as a simple little girl from a Podunk little town in northern New Hampshire. She first shows up at high school where she is the resident Artsy and Misunderstood Emo Kid. Fantasizes about being a princess and runs out of a lesson in floods of tears when her teacher catches her writing Suefic instead of paying attention and reads her Mary Sue fantasies out to the class. Jareth is in the nurse's office when she goes and hides in there and after she cries pretty at him and wishes she was a speshul princess (okay, that the Goblin King would come and take her away right now) he zaps her into the Labyrinth. Too bad there's absolutely nothing at stake and no suggestion that she needs to grow the Hell up, really.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Whines at Jareth about how much her life sucks. He is so taken by her Emo petulance he lets her wish herself into the Labyrinth as a result then makes constant creepy passes at her like a pedo uncle at a wedding reception, to the point that he tells her seventeen is too old to be a virgin... unless she pretends she's a princess and saving herself for marriage. (Why this is even an issue I have no idea, unless men in the Labyrinth have magical virginity-sensing powers or something.) Jareth seduces then has sex with her then ditches her because he's marrying another girl - the usual painfully poorly-characterized slutty bitch with no redeeming features at all. Sam responds by running off to look for work - and the first person she asks for a job retires and gives the Sue her shop.
Annoying Special Abilities: Solves the entire Labyrinth within half a chapter of winding up in there, pausing only to effortlessly foil the inevitable rape attempt. Jareth marvels over her 'perfect run'. Jareth constantly goes on about how beautiful and wonderful she is, as does just about everything else vaguely male in her vicinity. Within hours of her vanishing, everyone she's ever spoken to is logging onto Facebook to go on about her. She becomes a fantastic dress designer within a few days, and less than a week after taking over a failing old shop (which she renames Glitter designs dress shop because she's a Sue) she's completely turned it around. Suffers from morning sickness within a few days of conceiving. Somehow doesn't notice that 'Etharj Nilbog' is a painfully obvious anagram of 'Jareth Goblin'.
Other Annoying Traits: Clearly completely missed the point of Labyrinth, because she thinks Sarah is 'a brat who didn't know what she wanted' for choosing to save her little brother instead of running off with Jareth. Like every other Labyrinth Sue ever she thinks that Jareth isn't so much evil as lonely and misunderstood, and that all he needs is true love to become the caring woobie she knows he is deep down. Emos constantly about the fact she can never be with Jareth despite the fact he's been drooling all over her from the minute he laid eyes on her, and he clearly only ditched her because the plot demanded it. Oh, and when Jareth offers her a wish, apparently the only thing she has ever wanted out of life is "to be a good wife and mother". Take that, feminism!

( The Sue's Sue fiction is mocked. MOCKED, I say. )
( Can't you wish this fic would end? )
( I cannot guess where this is going. It's all just too subtle! )