I have, in my usual manner, been thinking far too much about far too little lately. As usual, I have been doing said thinking about Weiss Kreuz. Specifically about how well (or otherwise) the regulars' sexual behavior in fanfiction - both in terms of slash and sues - matches up to the way they actually acted toward the individuals they found attractive in the show. Or, to be more accurate, how they more usually didn't.

There's a rant in this, of course, but I decided, instead of TL;DRing in my usual manner, I was going to set about this far more scientifically and TL;DR in easy to read table format instead. For science, you know.

Yes,I know, I need to go back to college and set my tendency to overthink things to work on something more important than my fandom. But I can't afford to go back to college, and won't be able to for a while yet, and I still haven't convinced anybody to give me a job, so overanalysis of fandom stupidity it's just going to have to be. At least I'm thinking about something critically, even if that something is four ambiguously gay florists-stroke-assassins and the Mary Sues who love them. My brain may be atrophying, but at least it's doing so in an amusing manner... and hey, it could be worse. I could be devoting my time to attempting a Communist reading of Verbrechen and Strafe, with the twin figures of Powell and Nichol clearly representing by turn American Capitalism and Western Excess, and Ken and his +2 Shotgun of Head Ventilation as the Proletariat.


No Need for Canon
A comparison of Weiss Kreuz characters' sexual tendencies in canon, slashfic, and suefic.

Warning: I do not advise any reader to take the contents of this table even remotely seriously, still less (God help us all) as a How-To-Do-It guide when it comes to writing anything more serious than a blatant parody. I accept no liability for any consequences that may arise from deciding to take this as either a profound revelation of a great and inalienable truth or an accurate statement on any specific fanficcer's views on who Weiss and Schwarz want to bang and how they may or may not choose to go about it.


Weiss

Character

Canon

Slash Fiction

Sue Fiction

Aya Fujimiya

Canonically lost his virginity to a mysteriously nameless girl at the age of sixteen and, being a fairly ordinary adolescent, most likely didn't lose interest right up until the point his parents were killed, at which point he abruptly became vengeancesexual. Is only demonstrably straight in that he's never done anything much to indicate if he has a preference one way or another.

Aya, in slash fic, is hotter than the sun, more beautiful than a bushel of roses, and damn near everyone wants to jump him, usual gender preference or taste in partners be damned. His teammates, his targets, his mortal enemies, Persia, the fangirls, Takatori and his sons, entire clubfuls of horny gay males, the mailman, Momoe's cat... everyone. His admirers go to absurd lengths to win his heart, sometimes resorting to abduction or rape because he's just so hot and perfect - so hot and perfect, in fact, that if he were ever to abuse or torment his own partners, it would be totally forgivable or all the other guy's fault because he's Aya and Wonderful. Somehow, for all he is lusted over by all, he is (despite being the best lay any of his partners have ever had) almost invariably a virgin at the start of play. He almost invariably isn't several times over by the end.

In Sue fic, he is the still point of the turning world, the only specimen anywhere near handsome, different and special enough for someone as lovely, special and different as up to 75% of all known Weiss Sues. Despite his lack of experience and cold nature, he is a considerate, attentive and skilled lover, though he may seem as grim and forbidding as ever to strangers. Naturally, he has never had feelings like this for any woman before but the beauty and naive charm (or the feisty 'tude and secret pain, depending on the Sue) of his new lover is such that she can melt the ice-walls about his heart and have him opening up to her about his past traumas and true feelings toward her within a matter of hours, and bedding her within days.

Youji Kudou

Youji is totally, enthusiastically straight, and prone to prove it at every available opportunity. Charming, considerate and sexually successful, he knows how to show a lady a good time and doesn't take himself too seriously. Is still deeply in love with Asuka even though she's dead, and clearly doesn't want to change that.

The minute Youji gets written into a slash fic he is suddenly revealed to have been 'in denial' all along. He never really liked having sex with all those women, or he was only forcing himself to do it because he didn't want to admit that he was gay and loved Aya. Because he does. Love Aya. With all his heart and soul. (Occasionally he loves someone else with all his heart and soul, but it's almost always Aya.) He is also usually revealed to own a drawer full of sex toys he wastes no time on using. On Aya. A selfless lover, Youji often gladly embraces monogamy for love of Aya and readily gives up smoking, drinking and flirting - sometimes going as far as to change his entire wardrobe or lifestyle - to please Aya while expecting nothing more than his continued love in return. If that fails, there's always date rape.

In Suethor, it has been discovered that the phrase 'charming ladies' man' is frequently mistranslated as 'leering pervert with all the charm and suavity of a drunken frat boy just before he throws up and passes out' - or, in some dialects, 'arrogant date rapist'. Youji, for many Sues, exists largely to lust over and make leering advances to them so that that they can further prove that they're not like the other girls by repeatedly spurning and abusing him, thus showing themselves to be immune to the charms the bad writing won't let the 'playboy' possess in the first place. On the off-chance he does successfully charm a Sue, he'll be expected to sacrifice his own character for no reward other than her love.

Ken Hidaka

... is Ken Hidaka and a good boy, which is where all the problems start. He's just good friends really with several tall, handsome young men and rather fond of strangers in catsuits. Whatever he got up to with Yuriko, he's still prone to blushing like a schoolgirl on being confronted by a woman buttoning her shirt several months down the line.

When he's not the non-bishie Token Straight Guy, Ken is a weepy uke who spends his time being beaten and raped and sometimes developing Stockholm Syndrome... often as a preliminary to perfect, codependent love with Aya, his own personal Edward Cullen, and having angsty hurt-comfort scenes with him. (Either that or he's just madly in love with Aya, end of story.) Aya is the love and light of Ken's miserable life, he can barely function without Aya by his side and if Aya were to leave him Ken would of course immediately kill himself and while he's at it, Aya baby, he wants mansex now. He gets to top Omi, though Omi clearly should pwns him all over. Too bad Omi's shorter and has big blue eyes. Every so often Farfarello decides he'd rather bang him than murder him, and for some reason this doesn't freak Ken out.

As a bishie of inferior quality, Ken seldom attracts Sues in his own right. His normal fate is to set up sexist straw men arguments for the resident Sue to kick the stuffing out of, then to be patronized and ignored for thinking he could be worthy of her. Those Sues he does attract tend to be (at least by Sue standards) unremarkable girls who claim to be his long-lost high school sweetheart despite the fact Ken didn't go to high school. More frequently, however, he will attract the attention of the second of a group of two or more Sues and hook far less dramatically up with her in the background while her far more beautiful and accomplished friend is swept off her feet by Aya.

Omi Tsukiyono

Canonically, he clearly loved Ouka. Yes, it was incestuous attraction but it may help to bear in mind that at the time neither of them knew this. May or may not be a virgin. Like Aya, we can prove that he likes girls, not that he clearly doesn't like anything else, and a convincing case could be made that he is in fact bisexual, but he usually acts mostly straight, with exceptions.

Omi - who never, ever tops, ever, because he's such a cute blonde uberuke he would be incapable of it - wants to bang Nagi. Omi, in fact, wants to bang Nagi so much that all considerations about security, common sense, and even simple human logic go flying out of his head in favor of IMing Nagi, going on dates with Nagi, or having sleepovers with Nagi at the Koneko. When he's not doing that or being a obnoxiously dramatic and weepy uberuke abuse victim, he's often seen quietly pairing up with Youji or Ken in the background while all the real sex takes place elsewhere. Often slashfic Omi claims to have been at best indifferent to and at worst just plain despised Ouka, who he only dated because she was a pushy bitch who wouldn't take no for an answer and he was too nice to turn her down.

Most Mary Sues are content to largely ignore Omi as a romantic prospect. Unfortunately for Omi this doesn't mean he's free of them as it's largely because most of them want to treat him like he was their adorable little brother instead - and that number doesn't even include the staggering number of Mary Sues out there who supposedly really are the long-lost older sisters he never knew he had or wanted - and that would just be icky in a potential romantic conquest. On the rare occasions that Suethors don't neuter Omi altogether, he's falling hard for a mysterious new classmate and immediately forgets all about Ouka in the face of her amazingosity.

Schwarz were going to be included in this entry because yeah, there were some other guys in this series and they suffer from terrible fanon alterations to their sex drives too, but this is getting exceptionally long and I still haven't finished their segment and I'm multitasking an RP which I want to be attentive to and also I want to get this thing up today. And I have one minute to do it in. So, I'm going to backdate their entry to... sometime. Or maybe post it as a new one. I don't know, I'll figure something out. Either way, when the new entry is available, I will post the link at the bottom of today's post so that it can be easily accessed by all.

For now, though... yeah. Posting.